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  I am real

  Time for a bit of honesty.

  Throughout my teens and twenties I was determined to submit my female sexuality to God. I wanted to be available to him, whether that meant getting married or being single all my life. If I dated a guy, I would become crippled with guilt and shame if our kissing led us anywhere further than a platonic peck on the cheek! I felt that God was testing me at every turn – and it was a test that I was failing. After one particularly physical relationship, I developed a masturbation habit as a way to feel better about myself. I felt miserable, but unable to stop. Convinced that God was mad at me, I stopped asking him to help me have a healthy view of my sexual awakening. I began to hate my body, and either flaunted it to get the attention I craved, or punished it by overeating or starving myself.

  I was desperate to find a Christian woman who seemed to have this nailed. But no-one seemed up for being real with me. This forced me into thinking I needed to look more than sorted, to hide what was really happening. It took me years to realize that the solution wasn’t stopping masturbating. The freedom came when I asked God to show me the unmet needs and desires I was trying to meet by masturbating.

  Jess wanted to be the leader and preacher God was raising her up to be. But she was addicted to watching porn. It was a dark secret that plagued her life, and she hated it and hated herself for being so ‘weak’. Any time she was in a discussion about sex, she made her views on not dating, kissing or even praying together before marriage very clear: ‘All forms of intimacy before marriage are just too dangerous. I just don’t even think about these things any more; they’re beneath me.’ Friends admired her purity; Jess hated her hypocrisy.

  One of the problems with having thoughts and feelings that make us feel dirty, ashamed or unable to break out of damaging habits is that we may end up fixating on the sexual sin instead of the God who can free us. As long as your sin and not God is at the centre of your thinking, you’ll find ways to punish yourself, convinced that you’re bad, and God can’t love you. A young woman I prayed with about her addiction to masturbation wrote to me later,

  I ended up in a mess, convinced that I was dirty, convinced that God couldn’t love me. And the very thing I hated myself for doing became the very thing I turned to as a way to medicate my pain. I had to masturbate to comfort myself, then loathed myself for being so obsessed with when I could next be on my own to do it. In the process, I began to harbour the belief that not only was sex bad, but being sexual tainted me too.

  What released her from this damaging cycle was the direct work of the Holy Spirit in helping her to be real with herself about the deeper needs she was seeking to meet through sex. Only then could she bring masturbation to God and a trusted friend. She is beginning to experience the difference between feeding a damaging obsession and finding ways to appreciate her own body.

  Real, godly sexuality

  Often we act out of what we believe.

  If we believe that our female sexuality is an embarrassing, or bad, part of us, then we’ll try to ignore or deny it. If we believe that our female sexuality is God-given and core to who we are, then we’ll be more likely to ask God to help us. A sign of having an authentic female sexuality is being able to be thankful and accountable to God for and in it.

  The apostle Paul longed for the new Christians in the city of Corinth to grasp this. Corinth had a reputation in the ancient world as being a bit of a sexual playground. The religion of the day was worship to the goddess Diana. Worship at her temple involved sex with temple prostitutes. It also championed a Greek philosophical dualism which taught that as the spiritual life is more important than the physical life, you can do whatever you want with your body or other people’s bodies. After all, sex is just sex – if you want it, have it. Right? ‘No!’ says Paul. In his letter to the Corinthian church, he knocks this thinking out of the park. But instead of starting with what they can or can’t do now they are Christians (sexual morality), Paul reminds them of who they are (sexual identity), before challenging them to live radically (sexual potential). Read what he says:

  In the past, some of you were like that, but you were washed clean. You were made holy, and you were made right with God in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

  ‘I am allowed to do all things,’ but not all things are good for me to do. ‘I am allowed to do all things,’ but I will not let anything make me its slave... Surely you know that your bodies are parts of Christ himself. So I must never take the parts of Christ and join them to a prostitute! It is written in the Scriptures, ‘The two will become one body.’... You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. So honor God with your bodies.

  (1 Corinthians 6:11–20 NCV)

  Remember

  1. We are free (verse 11)

  You don’t get yourself sorted out sexually so that you can be free. You have already been set free by Jesus, so you don’t need to be afraid that your sexual experiences, thoughts and feelings will make you unacceptable to God. Paul says that when you receive Jesus as Lord, you are ‘washed clean’. You are a beautiful new creation, not a patched-up old one. This means that you are free to be brutally real with yourself and God about where your sexuality struggles are enslaving you. Ask yourself:

  Do I ever feel inadequate as a woman? If so, how do I compensate?

  Do I ever have sexual experiences that leave me ashamed or unable to seek support or help?

  Am I restricted by other people’s expectations of what I can do, or achieve, as a young woman? How do I respond?

  If I’m struggling to be free from habitual masturbation, watching porn, premarital sex and so on, what one thing can I do to demonstrate that I desire to be free more than I desire to meet my sexual urge?

  Who can I share my desire for sexual freedom with? How might they be able to support me to step into freedom rather than remain trapped by sin?

  2. We are vulnerable (verse 12)

  You are free, but this doesn’t mean that you’re not vulnerable to being enslaved again. Paul reminds the Corinthians that although they are free, they are to be responsible for staying free. This means recognizing those times when you’re more likely to give in to temptation or believe lies that hold you back. Ask yourself:

  What temptations do I struggle most to resist?

  When do I sense I’m misusing my own or someone else’s sexuality (e.g. being emotionally manipulative to get my own way, or being deliberately sexually flirtatious to make myself feel good)?

  What, and who, are the triggers for this kind of behaviour?

  Does anyone have undue and negative influence over how I see myself and my calling as a woman?

  Am I prone to thinking that sex is bad? Who could I talk to about this in order to help me have a healthy view of sex and my female sexuality?

  Is there a woman to whom I can open up about my vulnerabilities?

  3. We are God’s (verses 15, 19–20)

  The whole of you belongs to God, including your sexual desires, orientation and hopes. God doesn’t own you like a possession for him to use and discard. His sense of ownership of you is about him wanting the very best for you. He knows what’s good and right for you, and what will hurt and damage you. He knows that you can honour him in how you express your female sexuality – and he wants to teach you how!

  Ask yourself:

  When did I last thank God for my female sexuality?

  Am I open to healthy compliments? Can I tell the difference between these and people trying to flatter me to get what they want?

  Do I know how to protect myself when people want to treat me in a sexualized way? (For example, if a man keeps drawing unwanted attention to what I’m wearing or my looks, do I just laugh or do I hold my ground?)

  Am I open to being challenged about how I express myself through fashion and body langu
age?

  If I feel that God is calling me to a certain career/situation/position, what’s stopping me from pursuing that?

  Am I able to imagine having a sexual relationship in marriage that’s full of faithful, exciting, adventurous sex?

  4. We have great sexual potential (verse 16)

  Paul knows that God only gives good gifts, and sexuality is a very good gift with inbuilt blessings. Vaginal penetration (what we often refer to as ‘sex’) can lead to having babies. But the blessings of being sexual aren’t limited to reproduction. You could remain sexually celibate all your life and still reach your sexual potential – because it’s got nothing to do with your relationship status. When we’re single, we can often feel excluded from sex talks in church or relationship chats with peers, which all tend to be about the difficulties of dating someone and saving sex until marriage. It’s true that the ‘one flesh’ Paul talks about is a man and a woman being united in sexual intimacy. But this is meant to be a reflection of the intimate love God has for us. You are experiencing your sexual potential when you give yourself fully to Jesus. Being single gives you a unique opportunity to explore this. Ask yourself:

  Am I allowing my relationship status to dictate whether or not I’m living a full life?

  What blessings am I already experiencing (intimate times with a good friend or being able to empathize with a stranger)?

  How am I investing in my key friendships?

  5. We always have a choice (verse 18)

  Paul doesn’t present his case for God-honouring sexuality and then leave the Corinthians clueless as to what to do next. He gives them a compelling vision of living free from sexual sin, and a very effective exit strategy for situations that would jeopardize that: ‘RUN!’

  You can always make a choice as to whether to continue doing what you’re doing or get out of there. Sometimes we overcome sin by standing our ground and facing the cold hard truth of why we always end up in sexual situations that we know aren’t right for us. But sometimes we overcome sin by knowing when we need the power of flight: we just know that to protect ourselves and others, we need to get out of there, and fast. Ask yourself:

  Is there anything that I need to run from?

  What am I filling my heart and mind with? How do I ‘run away’ from images of unhealthy sexuality?

  What exit strategies could I establish to help me in situations where I might become enslaved again?

  Really loved

  So far in this chapter, our conversation around sexuality has focused on being female. But often when people use the term ‘sexuality’, they’re referring to sexual orientation. The four types of sexual orientation are: heterosexual (erotically attracted to the opposite sex), homosexual (erotically attracted to the same sex), bisexual (erotically attracted to both sexes) and transgender (someone who crosses culturally defined categories for sex and gender).12

  Questioning how to reconcile a same-sex orientation with a love of Jesus can make a person feel immensely vulnerable to being rejected by their family, church and God. Tragically, some Christians have experienced rejection when they ‘came out’ as gay, or expressed their struggles with same-sex attraction. This is appalling and deeply sad. No-one should ever face rejection or discrimination from God’s people. When Bethany ‘came out’ to me, I could hardly hear what she was saying because her fear that she might be rejected by God and the church she loved with all her heart was making her throw up. I was crying too as I held back her hair from her face, and listened to the years of fear and isolation pouring out of her.

  The truth is that God’s unfathomable love for us is unchanging, regardless of our sexual orientation or sexual experiences. If you’re struggling with questions surrounding your own sexual orientation, remember that you are standing before a loving Father who calls you his beloved – your sexual orientation doesn’t change that.

  But maybe, like Bethany, you’re discovering that there are no easy answers. It can be confusing that Christians hold different views about whether the Bible supports gay relationships or not. Some Christians are convinced that faithful, monogamous gay relationships are blessed by God. Others are convinced that while everyone is accepted by God, there is a clear pattern for sexual relationships in the Bible between one man and one woman, so anything else is not part of God’s original design for human sexual relationships.

  Jesus never talked explicitly about sexual orientation. In fact, there are a number of sex-related things that he didn’t mention at all: abortion, same-sex marriage, masturbation and premarital sex, for example. He addressed things like injustice, greed and pride more than sex. So when he did talk about sex, it really matters what he said. What we see is that he points to God’s design for sexual intimacy as being between a man and a woman (Matthew 19:4–5).

  Whenever I chat with Bethany about what Jesus says about sex, she astounds me with her honesty and trust: ‘I want to be single for a while and work out what God’s plan for my life is. I think it will be hard not ever to be with someone, but I want to honour God.’

  Whether or not you agree with Bethany’s choice to come out as gay and choose celibacy, it’s important to give yourself time and space to be real with yourself and trusted friends or mentors. Following Jesus isn’t about wearing masks to make people think we are who we’re not. That’s empty religion, and God wants none of it. He’s after a real relationship with you. What he longs for is that you invite him into this area of struggle and pain, trusting that he will lovingly lead you in ways that bring into your life more abundance than you could ever dream of. Writing to the Ephesians, Paul challenges them to raise their vision: ‘God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us’ (Ephesians 3:20 MSG).

  I know that when I depend on God and am challenged to go beyond what I think I can do in my own strength, I experience him helping me in the struggles I have with the different aspects of my female sexuality, and this leads me into a deeper relationship with him. This is my hope for you too.

  Whatever your journey looks like, whatever your struggles, never lose sight of his goodness and your belovedness. This is the only place to start these big conversations.

  God knows

  So many of the incredible stories in the Bible are told without commentary. Sometimes we know what God thinks about someone’s actions; other times we don’t. Bathsheba’s story is one of those.

  One late afternoon, David got up from taking his nap and was strolling on the roof of the palace. From his vantage point on the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was stunningly beautiful. David sent to ask about her, and was told, ‘Isn’t this Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam and wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ David sent his agents to get her. After she arrived, he went to bed with her. (This occurred during the time of ‘purification’ following her period.) Then she returned home. Before long she realized she was pregnant.

  (2 Samuel 11:2–5 MSG)

  We know that David gets into trouble for his part in the affair. But what about her part? Rejecting the sexual advances of a king, even though she was married to one of his commanders, may have put her at serious risk. She may have felt she had no choice but to consent. But maybe she planned to be naked in the sight of the palace? Or perhaps she was genuinely bowled over by being the object of desire of a powerful man, and hoped it would lead to love? Who knows?

  One thing we do know, though, is that God knew. He knows us: our hearts, our motives, our choices and our struggles. He knows when we’re struggling to see our sexuality as a good gift that can honour him, or when we’re at risk of hurting ourselves and others. What he’s looking for is the willing heart that seeks above all things to honour him.

  Sometimes our perception of the women in the Bible can suffer from the layers of cultural and theological cladding that have been set up around them. Famous women are often unkindly ca
tegorized as either saint or sinner, nun or slut. The tragedy for us is that we can miss the moments when they chose to be shaped by God, rather than their environment of self-doubt.

  I think there’s one such moment at the beginning of two of the Gospels. It involves Mary.

  Now, I’ve often overlooked Mary, the mother of Jesus. I’ve assumed that as she was chosen by God to bear his Son, somehow she was inherently different from me. But although a daughter of her time, she was still a daughter of God, who was chosen, among other things, because she was able simply to accept what God asked of her. She didn’t brag or boast; she didn’t seek status as a result of her new situation; or even fight for her right to have her name ‘cleared’. She saw her femaleness as a gift from God, to be used as he chose. And this was his choice for her:

  Yes, I see it all now:

  I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve.

  Let it be with me

  just as you say.

  (Luke 1:38 MSG)

  Be real

  Of course, there will never be another mother of God.

  But you and I are made of the same stuff as Mary. She was flesh and blood, skin and sinew, with hopes and fears just like ours. Loving our sexuality and offering ourselves fully and freely to God opens us up to the fullness of life that Christ promises. Who knows what God might do in you as you make your very sexuality available to him to guide and use for his glory? Who knows what impact it might have on others who feel so confused or broken by their own, or other people’s, misuse of sexuality?

  So, any time you feel tempted to hide away your struggles, or take on a sexual self-image that you know isn’t real, run!